Ryan:
I want my house to ever seek revenge from Brian Doyle-Murray.

My house will be everywhere, and it will be nowhere.

Ben:
My house will be entirely soundproof. This will be necessary because the garden will be filled with screaming skulls. 

I want my house to constantly burn with a cold flame that does not consume.

My house will be a member of the Green Lantern Corps.

My house will seem completely normal except for the fact that all the doors open into brick walls.

Ryan:
I want my house to have an electrical charge running through all the walls, powerful enough to stop a man’s heart. I would not inform my guests of this.

I want my house to be a figment of everyone’s imagination. 

Ben:
I want my house to have no doors or windows at all, and you have to will yourself inside.

My house will be invisible to dogs and children.

I want my house to rearrange itself in the night.

Ryan:
Every year, my house will become larger. It will do so by eating other houses. 

I want my house to look like a cardboard refrigerator box on the outside but an elaborate Victorian mansion on the inside.

Ben:

I want my house to move one foot in a random direction every year.

My house will look like a perfectly normal, innocuous house, but when you step inside you are filled with dread.

My house will ironically punish my visitors for their hubris.

My house will update your twitter for you with second-by-second updates of what you are doing. Every. Single. Second.

Ben:
I want my house to walk, on spider’s legs.

I want my house to be so horrifically deadly to its occupants that everyone will have to carry around a radio, a 50-foot length of rope, and a torch at all times.

My house will have secret tunnels that connect to other, more secret tunnels, so if you get lost in the secret tunnels you are trapped forever.

I want my house to teleport inside itself celebrities chosen at random at times chosen at random.

At night, I want my house to whisper to me all the myriad ways a man can die. #642: Eaten by whispering house.

Ryan:
I want my house to hover above the earth, but so close to the ground that no one could ever notice. 

I want my house to have a room full of nooses. I will never admit to anyone that the room exists.

I want my house to appear only once every thousand years.

I want my house to speak with the voice of KITT from Knight Rider.

I want my house to have only one door, and the only way to open it is by saying the word “Friend” in Elvish.

The joys of house ownership.

My Future House is a couple happenin’ dudes and one slightly less happenin’ but still pretty happenin’ chick. My brother and I were watching the Travel Channel or something one day and we saw “World’s Best Houseboats.”

Naturally we started joking that we should buy houseboats and dock them together for Insane Houseboat Parties. This progressed to us saying we should buy houses next to each other and have secret tunnels running all under them for Insane House Parties.

In our hypothetical future houses, these tunnels grew darker and more dangerous, and our hearts more bitter, until our future houses were menaces to all around them.